I'm too use to being around people and things to do...I'm too use to having to take care of things that the second I have a minute to breathe I feel like collapsing. It might be just wired into me, or maybe I'm just doing what I usually do. Who knows. Oh well, anyways, it's you and me tonight. I'm convinced that I will at least write something tonight! Whether it be this or an actual story or hell maybe even a free verse poem. Shit, I may be even able to figure out who "I" am. lol. Yeah right huh?
You want to know the truth though? I am a "Pretend" house wife. I hate what I do, but I try to do my best at it. (This has nothing to do about my daughter...I LOVE HER!) My husband makes my life feel like a job and trying to get around that is the hardest. I make sure everything is in perfect fucking order for when he steps in the door. Make sure the house is in order, make sure I have exercised, showered, and too in order. I always think to myself...who lives like this? Though, I am sure once I have my degree I can get one step forward. I'm not saying he's a bad husband, I love him to death. He means the world to me, and I would never deny that....but sometimes I feel like I'm being judged with everything I do. Drives me nuts. And since this is my outlet...WTF...I should just say it right? I miss having a job. I miss "contributing" to our family we have made together. I hate that I make no actual "dollar" value for what I do! I know I do my part, but really no it doesn't feel like it. Not the way he puts it. Yeah, I do dishes, laundry, trash, clean...take care of our daughter...make sure the car is clean...really does the list end? lol. I still don't feel like I do "enough" Maybe this is a challenge I'm suppose to overcome. And hopefully I will overcome it. Maybe it all just takes time...
"Oh shit, shit.." Lol